THE MISSING INGREDIENT
Communication in relationships—whether marital or dating—is a crucial component of fostering a healthy partnership, especially when disagreements arise. Research by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman (2015) suggests that many relationship conflicts—often estimated at around 69%—are “perpetual,” meaning they tend to resurface over time. Healthy communication often involves listening without an agenda, minimizing interruptions while a partner shares their perspective, and demonstrating empathy for their emotional experience.
At some point, individuals in romantic, marital, or even platonic relationships may question compatibility and feel confused by the thought, “Who is this person? I don’t know them anymore.” As emotional distance and conflict increase, this perception may become more pronounced. Psychologist Robert Sternberg (1986) proposed that changes in love can be understood through shifts in one or more of its three core components: intimacy (emotional closeness), passion (physical attraction and romance), and commitment (the decision to maintain the relationship). Different combinations of these components produce distinct types of love, including non-love (absence of all three), liking (intimacy only), infatuation (passion only), empty love (commitment only), romantic love (intimacy and passion), companionate love (intimacy and commitment), fatuous love (passion and commitment), and consummate love (the presence of all three components) (Sternberg, 1986). This framework can help individuals evaluate how their relationship has evolved over time and identify which components may have diminished.
Raising concerns about changes in a relationship can feel challenging, particularly when conflict patterns already exist or when there is fear of being misunderstood. The Gottmans (2015) describe four destructive communication patterns called the “Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These behaviors can be countered with more constructive habits—called the antidotes—including gentle start-up, expressing appreciation, taking responsibility, and self-soothing. Adopting these strategies promotes emotional regulation, reduces defensiveness, and creates space for mutual understanding.
One simple way to practice these communication skills is through shared activities such as cooking together. In this exercise, one partner reads the recipe instructions clearly while the other prepares the meal. As you do this, try to stay mindful of how you are communicating, especially avoiding the ‘Four Horsemen’ and the urge to take over. During the activity, partners can practice recognizing “bids for connection,” such as offering a taste of food or seeking feedback. In addition, they should monitor for signs of emotional flooding, which may include overwhelm, irritability, or a sharp tone. If you notice signs of flooding, it can help to take a short break (e.g., five minutes) to engage in self-soothing techniques. The other partner should respond with understanding and continue supporting the shared task.
It is important to approach this activity with a sense of curiosity and openness rather than rigid expectations. Incorporating enjoyable elements, such as music or meaningful conversation, can enhance the experience. Over time, the goal is not to eliminate every challenge, but to shift from uncertainty toward a deeper sense of understanding and appreciation. Just as a fire requires fuel to continue burning, relationships require ongoing effort, attention, and care.
References
Gariev, V. (2020, November 30). Unsplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/man-in-white-dress-shirt-holding-a-woman-in-brown-long-sleeve-shirt-my1mDMraGf0
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.
Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119
